Take Me Back Home

It's been three days now since I left San Francisco, and it's been, well, anything but life with Rachael in San Francisco (read: perfect). I'm on an Alaskan cruise with my family. There have been disasters, fights, bizarro moments, plenty of frustration. All order and calmness was left in San Francisco, with Rachael. And I'm starting to miss it.

Let me explain a little bit.

August 5, Day Zero away from Rachael. Rachael dropped me off at the airport before work. In the airport, I ran into my dad, who missed a connecting flight to Seattle by five minutes on the previous night. Running into my dad was a comforting way to start my time away from Rachael. Without event, I flew (separately from my dad) to Seattle.

A day before, my mom had told me she would pick me up at Seattle International at 4:45, a few minutes after my flight was scheduled to land. When I got my bags in Seattle, I called my mom to see where she was. She freaked out.

"Jessica and I can't find the car in the parking garage."

"Huh?"

"Dad and Jason are coming to help us. We'll be there in 30 minutes." I didn't pursue an explanation, and it took more than an hour for them to pick me up. This is typical in the Swenson family. You learn to go with it. But, having had been away from my family for half a year, I was really getting used to living a don't-sweat-the-small-stuff life with Rachael.

Falling asleep without Toast Muffin sucked hard on Day Zero.

Day One.

My mom, brother, and sister were hell-bent on eating at the Hard Rock Cafe at noon. Fine. It's a family vacation tradition. But, now that I'm grown up, I'm the kind of guy who doesn't make plans for lunch and, instead, walks into any decent-looking restaurant on the street. In downtown areas, this approach works fine. Trying to communicate this to the rest of my family was frustrating.

Lugging the confused Swenson family to the cruise terminal was no easy task.

"How are we going to get to the cruise ship from the hotel?" asks Mom, totally freaking out. The cruise ship is 6 blocks away, and we have 3 hours until it leaves. This is not a crisis.

"We need to get on one of those Greyhounds that stops at 20 different places around the city, including the docks," says Dad.

"Uh, no, we'll take a taxi. We'll have to take 2, but it will still only be 10 bucks," says the sole voice of reason.

"Oh, we can get a taxi van! I haven't seen a lot of them downtown, so we'll get the concierge to call one," says Dad.

"No, it won't show up. Trust me," says TSVR.

"Ugh, you guys just take a taxi. Jessica and I can walk." Mom has bad arthritis. No way in hell is she going to walk and make us late for our cruise.

And so on. I ended up winning, but the wasted time, pointless arguing, and utter stupidity exhaust what little patience and energy I had. So, in less than a day with my family, I realized that life without Rachael will suck more than I had thought. In unpredictable ways.

More mountain-out-of-a-molehill moments ensue, including the playing of "My Heart Will Go On" on a cruise ship, in icy waters, at dinner. Are you f@*%ing kidding me? This is the world without Rachael? I just thought, you know, that she wouldn't be there, not that reasonable people would vanish altogether from my life.

Bright spot of the day: found 80 dollars on the ground. I was very, very happy. And someone else must have been very, very sad.

Played soccer with Jason at midnight. Man, does he have a strong leg. I forgot how much fun it is to kick a ball as hard as you can. And how not fun it is to chase it when it falls to the deck below.

Day Two, Today. Actually, everyone in my family seems more at ease today. Did some trivia, had a drink, went to the gym. No fighting, no confusion. But, there is absolutely nothing to do on this ship.

My sister, my dad, and I thought we'd check out the Constellation Lounge. Yeah, it sounds futuristic and spacey, it sounds cool, but it's not. We sat down at a table with a view, near a few occupied seats. Trying to relax a little, I inhaled deeply.

"Do you guys smell that?" They sniffed, and we all cracked up. No one said it out loud because we were immediately next to five or six elderly couples, but the entire lounge smelled like a nursing home.

Yep, we're on an old people cruise. Which explains why no one was at the numerous bars and lounges last night after 10:30. Which explains why there's really not a whole lot to do on this ship besides playing Bingo with Jackpot Jay, line dancing, listening to a high-pitched lady tell you why you should purchase a $350 acupuncture session, and listening to ear-shattering renditions of Broadway tunes. (The singers on this ship are so bad; in comparison, Royal Caribbean and Carnival had some pretty good singers, if I remember right.)

It's almost Broadway show time again (7pm daily), then a formal dinner. I'm not looking to another dry piece of mass-prepared salmon or another glass of cheap chardonnay. Damn it, Rachael, why'd you have to spoil me? Jessica thought the same chardonnay was fantastic!